Kira's Diary - Be Adventurous?????

I have never been an adventurous person. As much as I've always wanted to be, I have never been someone that was confident enough to try new things; even going to McDonald's I can't get anything other than a sweet chilli chicken wrap and Diet Coke without having some sort of panic about if I'm choosing the right thing and feeling like I'm going to be disappointed if I chose anything other!

So many of my friends are going travelling for months on end, even going on girl's/guy's holidays and I can't even leave my hometown. Why?
I always seem to put up barriers that stop me going anywhere, and by that I mean absolutely ANYWHERE. I cannot go out for a meal without thinking one negative thought about what could happen, why I shouldn't do it, why it's a bad idea and I end up not going. I've been invited to people's houses in London and turned them down just because I "don't know the area".

I think being an only child and living my childhood until the age of 10 with just my mum, I've always been quite sheltered. My mum and nan especially are known for being "worriers" and "what-if" people, and that's definitely someone I've become. It's definitely a state of mind over matter but I've never been able to not think "what if this happens" when trying something new.
Going to university I definitely got better and pushed my boundaries a lot further than they were at home, and I started to feel comfortable doing new things, but I still have those boundaries up that stop me doing things. I'd love nothing more than going on holiday with a group of my closest friends, but I just can't do it! I cannot get myself to fully commit, as I always have a feeling that something may go wrong. Millions of people go on holiday each month and are totally okay, but there's always that chance that something may happen, which I can't get over.
I feel extremely safe with my parents, and I am so close to them, that I feel this is where it comes from. My parents have always done everything for me, and because my mum worries so much when I'm not with her I think it gives me doubts. I went to a festival the other week and she completely freaked out. She started saying that she doesn't feel I'm safe, she doesn't trust anyone, I could get in to anything because she's not there to control it, and that starts me overthinking "what may happen; am I going to be okay?"
50% of the time I shrug it off, think, "whatever" and carry on, knowing that it'll all be okay, but I do create walls that stop me doing a lot of things and enjoying myself 100% in fear that I may do something stupid or reckless (I am a MAJOR goody two-shoes).

When it comes to my friends, also, I have had large arguments over this and even lost friendships. I have a lot of friends that are extremely spontaneous and plan things at the last minute, which I am not in to. I like to have everything planned a couple of days in advance to ensure everything is under control and sorted out, meaning when these plans come up I cannot deal and either bail out or get frustrated that it's not being organised correctly. The things that my "friends" have said to me because of this have not been very nice; but it's just a lack of understanding. I try and explain that I, like many others, cannot deal correctly with this sort of plan-making and it causes me to shut down, but being called rude/bitch/selfish because I need organisation in order to reduce my anxiety and stress about doing things is not something that you want/need to hear from your friends.

It does cause a lot of hindrances, and stops me from doing a lot of things that I want to do. Although I stop myself from doing things it doesn't mean I don't want to do them. There are so many things I'd love to do; travel the world, go on holiday, volunteer abroad with charities, I just cannot get over this wall I have to do it! It's all psychological, and I am completely aware of it, but I still cannot talk myself in to doing things, even if they are small! I have wanted to go to Reading Festival for the past 3 years but it was only this year that I was able to push myself to actually purchase tickets, that's how long it took me to do something I've been wanting to do FOR 3 YEARS!

However, over the years I have got better, and like I said before, attending university and leaving my comfort zone has definitely pushed me to do more things, but I am still working at it! I understand that a lot of people have this issue, and it usually links back to anxiety and fear of the unknown. It doesn't help when you have others constantly screaming "JUST DO IT" at you as if you can just flick a switch and think "yeah, you know what, I've been too scared to do this for years but your words of wisdom just then made me see the light".
Feeling torn between wanting to do things but being too scared and having that constant guilt and feeling like you're wasting your life away is difficult, I FEEL YOUR PAIN, SISTA! But we can get through this, do whatever you feel comfortable with; there's no loss in not doing things that are out your comfort zone, but there is a loss weighing on it and spending your time thinking about what could have happened rather than finding the next opportunity which you feel okay with.

In the wise words of T.I. and Rihanna; live your life. xo



Photo Cred:
giphy.com