Kira's Diary - Relationships

Now, I'm not an expert when it comes to relationships. At all. I have not had one. Not even been close to having one. If I was going to describe the way I am around boys I like I would be Michael Cera in every film he's ever been in (also my biggest celebrity crush which I think explains a lot). So don't think that this post will be ANYTHING to do with giving advice on relationships (although for some reason I am the designated friend that my friends come to when they need relationship advice... who knows why).
I'm writing this post to show you how everyone encounters different relationships and go through different things; but whatever it is, you can always get over it!

Over the years, I had slowly become more and more reserved, and especially with relationships I am very closed and have a wall up. Once I build a friendship I am very open, but I have noticed, along with many others, that when I like someone I never let anyone in as quickly as I would if we were to become friends.
I have always been closed when it comes to boys. I hate talking about it, but I've never had a boyfriend as I've never been open enough to let someone in. I have never told anyone I've liked them or expressed my feelings towards someone as I am extremely scared of being hurt, meaning that a lot of the guys I like end up telling me they like me, but because I do not retaliate they feel as though I don't feel the same and I have "friend-zoned" them, which I haven't! It is probably one of my most frustrating traits that I own and it is something I am still working on. It isn't great for your confidence either when you're a 19 year old girl that has never had a boyfriend, or come anywhere near to having one.

Obviously when I was younger I had "boyfriends" where we'd hug in the playground after school but not speak to each other at all because it was 'gross', but I've never really been in relationships.

The first boy I properly liked was when I was 14. He was one of my closest friends and I adored him, but looking back at it I don't know if I was just confused and seeing our friendship as something more. We did end up liking each other but it didn't work as we soon realised we were better as friends, but at the time I was devastated. It was the first time I had ever liked a boy properly or had a boy like me back, so it was extremely hard to get my head around, even though it wasn't really anything as we were friends again after a few months.

After this, I liked a boy that was a close family friend, that was extremely quiet and reserved, which is a trait that I liked most about him. My family hated the idea of me liking him, and half of my family (who I do not particularly get along with; family issues ugh, what can you do) did everything they could to stop us liking each other and for anything to start developing, pushing him on to another girl that he ended up getting in to a relationship with and leaving me on my own. I liked him for a while but nothing really developed so it wasn't that difficult to get over and it didn't really mean anything; what did hurt me was that people were manipulating and getting involved to make sure that he would never like me, the factor that he might've done is what I could never get my head around, the "what-if". We became friends and I bump in to him every now and again, this situation made me realise, though, you don't need to be in a relationship and have something blossom from every person you like. There is no loss if you become friends after, and even if you don't and you end up falling out just shows you that you are probably better off without them!

The last boy I was talking to actually hurt me quite a lot. Although it didn't take me long to get over him, I still think about what happened from time to time and can't help myself feel anything but bitter about the situation. To tell you the story, I met a boy when I was 15 that I liked a lot, but being 15 it was hard to keep in contact when he lived quite far away and went to a different school than I did. I bumped in to him when I was 18 in town and we started talking again. We saw each other a lot throughout the summer, up until we were both leaving for university last September 2015. He told me he liked me a lot but we should both go to uni, cut communication, explore what we want to do and then start talking again in a couple of months after we have decided what we want to do. I was so in to him I didn't think anything of this, and just agreed, thinking that he obviously liked me a lot as as soon as we got to uni we were still in contact and were talking every single day. By December, he started to act very strange, ignoring my messages and answering bluntly if he did, and when it got to Christmas, I asked him if he wanted to meet up, with which he replied, "I'm busy". We haven't spoken since then, as I realised a couple of days later that he was in fact in a relationship with a girl at uni that he was talking to behind my back, and his way of dealing with this was to completely cut me off, instead to telling me about the situation, which I would've been fine about. In a lot of ways I was hurt, and felt angry that he had treated my like that, leaving me with no explanation, feeling like the last 6 months had been a waste of time, but at the same time I was glad that I had found out and that I could move on, as it showed me what type of person he was. I wasn't going to waste my time on him, and it made me aware of a lot of things he had done while we were "together". He was quite controlling, telling me what he wanted me to wear, how he wanted me to act, calling me things like "childish" and "naive" when I told him stories about what had happened with friends or on nights out etc. He acted like he was better than me in more ways than some, and for a while I believed it! I've learnt that you don't have to conform to what guys want you to be; if they don't like you for who you are find someone that will!

After him, because I was angry I did probably one of the worst things to do and went a bit wild. I thought, "if he can do what he wants, so can I" and finally started acting single and getting a bit out of hand. I didn't do anything terrible or go too far, and even if I did there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing so, as long as you are safe and not left in vulnerable situations, being stuck round a strangers house after a night out, for example. I ended up kissing at least 1 different boy every night that I went out clubbing over the space of 3 months (I don't want to say the exact number, but to give you an idea I went out around 1 or 2 times a week). However, this was the case until I met this boy who I actually really liked and got along with really well. Since him I haven't kissed or even spoke to anyone else, and I would say more but I don't really want to talk about this one as it's all a bit new!

Anyway, I know this post was probably a little boring, but hopefully you guys can see that everyone has different experiences with guys! I'm 19 and I've never had a boyfriend, never really had any contact with guys in general, so if you're a teen and you're getting worried or anxious about being too old to have not had a boyfriend yet or worried that you may never find someone that you click with, there's always a person for you, and sometimes you have to get rejected a lot and go through a lot of people to find someone that you truly get along with! Also, remember that you don't need someone to be complete, you in yourself are a strong enough person and you don't need the reliance and company of another person to make you any better, so do you!

Next blog post will be up in 2 days so keep an eye out; peace and see you soon xo


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