Kira's Diary - Anxiety and Mental Health

Hey guys! Welcome to my second post of my diary thread, for this post I wanted to touch on the subject of anxiety, mental health issues and how they can effect your everyday life.

I see a lot of bloggers and vlog stars comment on their struggles with anxiety and how it has effected them, and I wanted to just give my own input on my own perspective and my own way of coping with the issue.
For me, I was always a confident child. When I was younger, I'd always surround myself with friends and people that made me happy, I loved singing and dancing and acting, constantly putting on shows and wanting to be centre of attention. It was when I reached middle school (years 5 to 8 if you are not familiar with the 3-tier system) that I started to becoming more introvert and cave in on myself. Being from such a small lower school, with 10 people in each year, everyone seemed to get along, and it wasn't until joining a much larger school that I came across negativity and personal judgement. In fact, I think some of my worst memories from school came from my middle school, being picked on for various reasons.

To list a few, I believe my first encounter was a few months after joining the school when I had to wear a retainer permanently throughout the day (in case you're wondering, I had to wear a plated Hawley bow wire retainer). I significantly remember being asked by the teacher to read out in class on numerous occasions, with her and the rest of the class ending up in hysterics because of my lisp from having to wear the chunky retainer. In year 6, I decided to cut my hair to my shoulders, which I really loved. I was so excited to go in to school and show everyone my new haircut, but instead I spent the day crying in every lesson as everyone laughed at me, told me that I looked strange with my hair short and that I looked more like a boy than a girl. In year 7 I was made aware of my nose and how large it was, especially as it "resembled a woodpecker's", and in year 8 I developed the nickname, 'Chewbacca' after a girl looked at the dark hair on my arms and said they were abnormally hair "for a girl".

Being exposed to this I saw my confidence get worse and worse, and by the time I reached upper school (year 9 to 11) I had a small group of friends and never came out of my shell.
I used to bottle up my emotions and not talk to anyone about how I was feeling. By the time I reached sixth form (year 12 and 13), I developed panic attacks and started having breakdowns where I would hysterically cry for hours, screaming extremely hurtful things about myself, constantly beating myself down, believing that I was nothing.

On the subject of panic attacks, between the ages of 16 and 17 I had a total of 3, over the most ridiculous things; the first having to go to work as I did not like my job as my manager would constantly scream at me, and the second and third being over having to go socialise with my friends. The fact I felt so uncomfortable and scared about going to hang out with my friends shows the severity of my panic attacks and how anxious I used to feel. I couldn't leave my house without overthinking what could happen; what if they don't turn up? What if they're tricking me in to going just so I can be left on my own or humiliated? What if I'm not welcome anymore?
My thoughts used to be so over the top, my head in overdrive, that I used to work myself up in to these panic attacks.

My breakdowns were due to bottling my emotions. I started having them after I fell out with a large number of my friends, and during exam season, so I was feeling extremely lonely, vulnerable and stressed out. I have always been close to my mum and tell her absolutely everything, but I couldn't help to put a front on whenever anyone asks me things. When I'd explain what had happened in the day between myself and my ex-friends, I'd act like I didn't care and that it was a ridiculous subject that I didn't want to waste time on, instead of telling people that I was extremely hurt and felt so lonely. My breakdowns would happen when everything would just become too much; I'd hysterically cry and scream, beating myself down. I'd say comments like "I'm not good enough", "everyone hates me", "I'm worthless", "I'm nothing"; it would just make everything worse. My mum describes them now as the worst thing she's had to deal with, because whatever she'd say, I wouldn't listen and I'd become even worse as I'd say she's lying, yet she never wanted to leave me to it because she was worried I may take it too far; WHICH WAS NEVER THE CASE, MAY I ADD. Although I was constantly thinking I was worthless, I never took it "that far"; it was all talk.

When this was all happening, the only thing my mum could think of doing was sending me to a counsellor. I had been to a children's counsellor before when I was younger, when I started becoming more quiet and anxious after being such a confident child as my mum was worried, however they said that this was just because I was being bought in to new environments where I was being exposed to negative words and judgmental behaviour.
The last counsellor I saw was extremely helpful; we spoke about different people that were in my life, my relationships, my feelings and my future. It was tremendously helpful and I have definitely grown since seeing her, not having a breakdown or panic attack since seeing her.

Since moving away to university, also, I have definitely gained confidence as being independent I have had to rely on myself a lot more. I understand more who I am and have completely come out of my shell; I've learnt to deal with judgement and, although it still hurts me, I am only human, I do know how to filter out what is important and what is not, as I have realised a lot of judgement comes from people that don't really know who I am so have no way of confirming these statements as true.

SO, I have learnt to deal with it and, although it hasn't entirely gone away I do still get affected by some things, I have got better and I feel a lot happier and healthier!
Why not share in the comments your own experiences with anxiety and anything related to what I've spoken about in this post, and how you've dealt with it. I love hearing from you guys and understanding how you guys feel; interaction is fun yay!

Look out for another blog post soon as I have started posting every other day instead of weekly! See you soon xo